More Thoughts (AA)

  -  There are two doors, one marked heaven, the other lecture on heaven; we're all lined up at the lecture
         on heaven.  Cause we're not gonna get there until we figure it out.
  -  "Be Here Now"  great book from the 60's by Baba Ram Dass.
  -  Constant repetition of the obvious.
  -  Coming home to a place he'd never been before.
  -  What's your worst fear?
  -  What's you most protected secret?
  -  It's not money, it's the love of money.
  -  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar
  -  Just show up.
  -  Everyone has the right to be wrong.
  -  Being in pain is one thing, being in the victim is quite another.
  -  Truth resonates with a specific vibration heard only in the space where the still small voice resides.
  -  Sympathy for the Devil
  -  My life is in perfect order and harmony, even though it doesn't make sense to me.
  -  Sought through prayer and meditation, not medication.

  -  Autobiography in Five Chapters:
             1)   I walk down the street, there's a deep hole in the sidewalk,
          I fall in.  I'm lost. . . I am hopeless.  It isn't my fault.  It takes me forever to find my way out.
            2)    I walk down the same street, there's a deep hole in the sidewalk,
          I pretend I don't see it.  I fall in again.  I can't believe I'm in the same place.  But it isn't my fault.
            3)   I walk down the same street, there's a deep hole in the sidewalk,
          I see it is there.  I still fall in. . . it's a habit.  My eyes are open; I know where I am.  It is my fault
          I get out immediately.
            4)  I walk down the same street, there's a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I walk around it.
            5)  I walk down a different street.    

  -  You cannot think your way into good living, you can only live your way into good thinking.
  -  Steve Winwood was 15 years old when he played for Spenser Davis Group; how does a 15 year old
         English kid sound like a 40 year old black man?
  -  All present and accounted for.
  -  The only easy day was yesterday.  (Navy Seal Motto)
  -  I'm Ok, you're Ok;  I'm Ok, you're not Ok;  I'm not Ok, you're Ok;  I'm not Ok, you're not Ok.
        which is it?  Transactional analysis.
  -  Ladies and gentlemen,  The Beatles.
  -  Elvis Presley frequently would be watching something on TV that pissed him off so much he would
        shoot his TV set.  For the shit that passes for knowledge and entertainment, it makes all the sense
        in the world to me.   Don't you wish  you could do that some time?
  -  No one here gets out alive.
  -  I'm not sure whether the devil exists, but I'm quite sure that evil does.
  -  If you had my life, you'd drink too.
  -  Get up, Suit up, Show up, and Shut the fuck up.
  -  You're here until you're not, then you're somewhere else.
  -  Tough times don't last, tough people do.
  -  A Course in Miracles claims that a miracle is a "change of perception,"  sounded kind of like a
        cheap miracle to me.  But think about that.  If I have seen and reacted to something the same
        way, over and over, for years, and now I see and react differently, that is miraculous.
  -  Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
  -  Life is about learning how to love and forgive; that's all it is.
  -  Get up;  just keep getting up.
  -  I believe that my desire to please God, does in fact please God.
  -  Truth requires action.  Once seen, the right action is obvious.  Do you have the courage to see.
  -  Grant me the serenity, and the courage to change the things I can.
  -  God isn't lost, I am.   God doesn't go anywhere, I do.
  -  There's no cure for life  (Tony Soprano)
  -  Life is hard, get a helmet or a flack jacket.
  -  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.  Don't here that one much
       these days.  Now, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will require a lawyer, public
       relations consultant and possibly jail time.
  -  Grown up.
  -  There's no escape from me.
  -  Karate do, Karate don't do, no Karate maybe do.
  -  You don't know what you've, till it's gone.
  -  Youth is truly wasted on the young.
  -  Beauty is wasted on ugly people.
  -  What do you really need that you don't already have right now?
  -  Enlightenment is in the wink of an eye.
  -  You can't ride two horses with one ass.
  -  Taps may be the saddest song ever written.
  -  Stop listening to the news.
  -  Says the patient to his doctor, "Doc, every time I do this it hurts,"   Doc, "don't do that."
  -  Bagpipes:  strange, eerie, dark, haunting, baleful, weeping, sorrowful, consuming, earthy,
         primal, complex, heart breaking;  like the Scottish, and the Irish who invented them.
  -  A leaf falls in the forest; the bear smells it, the deer hears it, the eagle sees it.
  -  If you have never seen the Redwoods or Crater Lake, you need to before you die.
  -  Everyone is either a good example or a good bad example.
  -  Bleed just to know you're alive.
  -  And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.  (Lennon-McCartney)
  -  Fake it till you make it.
  -  We will love you until you love yourself.
  -  You're either busy about livin, or busy about dyin; get busy livin.
  -  A man who cheats on his wife has the economy of screwing 2 women at the same time.
  -  We always seem to be concerned with what we don't have; let's be grateful for what we didn't get.
  -  There's a sucker born every minute.
  -  An eagle can see a fish swimming 10 ft. underneath the water from 10,000 ft. high; almost 2 miles.
  -  Goodwill Hunting, Inherit the Wind, Shaw shank Redemption, Man on Fire, Book of Eli.
  -  Enter The Dragon.
  -  When a codependent gets into a car accident, someone else's life passes in front of his eyes.
  -  God helps those who help themselves.  Don't forget that.
  -  You know, if you worry about something, it won't happen.  Odd superstition
  -  Stay able.
  -  And the great good God looked down on each His loving child; the Christian, Hindu, Muslim and
         Jew, and loved them through the Gods they knew.
  -  Your mind is a vehicle for your soul; once it takes you there, it needs to be abandoned on the roadside. 
  -  AA:  on the job training.
  -  Chaos is an addictive chemical.
  -  Easy to decide, not easy to follow through.
  -  Chinese proverb:  Talk doesn't cook rice.
  -  Thank you God for what you gave me, what you took from me, and what you left me.
  -  Please do me a big favor, don't get in the way of my pain; it's mine and I need it to grow.
  -  Only the shadow knows.
  -  You are becoming what you use to use to despise.
  -  Our primary purpose is to stay sober; our secondary purpose is to help others achieve sobriety.
  -  It is to embark on your journey, and arrive at the place you started, and see it for the first time.
  -  God changes things without changing things.
  -  If I got what I deserved, I certainly wouldn't be here.
  -  These three I need:  the one who loves me, the one who hates me , and the one who is indifferent to me.
         The one who loves me, teaches me compassion; the one who hates me, teaches me caution;  the one
         who's indifferent to me, teaches me independence.
  -  At some point, after all the work, pain, and prayer, I have to be OK!
  -  Just listen.
  -  Picasso painted like a child when he was a child, then he learned how to paint like an adult; it took him
         50 years of reeducation to learn how to paint like a child again.
  -  Become like the child.
  -  The ABCD's of how not to listen:  A) advise/analyze  B) belittle  C) compare  D) deny, diminish, delve.
  -  Step Off:  You will be guided by a great sense of awe; for the river of life in which you venture holds
                     the answer to all your longings, and a deep appreciation and reverence for all things.
  -  For you, the unlikely few who have chosen the path towards truth, welcome home.

  -  "Alas for those who cannot sing, but die with all their music in them." Let us treasure the time we have,
          and resolve to use it well, counting each moment precious; a chance to apprehend some truth,
          to experience some beauty, to conquer some evil, to relieve some suffering, to love and be loved,
          and to achieve something of lasting worth.

  -  I asked God for strength that I might achieve;  I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
   I asked God for help that I might do greater things; I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
     I asked God for riches that I might be happy; I was given poverty that I might be wise.
   I asked God for power that I might have the praise of men;  I was given weakness that I might feel
         the need of God.
   I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;  I was given life that I might enjoy all things
        I got nothing that I asked for, but everything that I hoped for.  Almost despite myself my unspoken
        prayers were answered.  I among all men am most richly blessed.  (Author unknown, circa 1860's)

  -  Step into the fear.
  -  Where in your body do you feel emotion? 
  -  I am not the center of the universe, regardless of what I think.
  -  I am standing on a whale, fishing for minnows.
  -  You cannot make others happy, it is impossible;  make yourself happy, at least one person will be.
  -  Your mind will always respond to your dominant belief.  That's why our greatest fears become true
         because that's what we think about most of the time.  What you are afraid of is a belief whether you
         realize it or not.
  -  Forgiveness is not letting anyone off the hook; it is not forgetting what happened;  it is not something
        you are giving someone else;  you never have to see that person again;  you are not forced to
        associate with them;  they don't have to become your friend;  you are not losing anything;  you are
        not weak if you forgive;  forgiveness has nothing to do with the person you are forgiving, it is a gift
        you are giving yourself. 

  -  To not forgive, and not forget  is bitter;  To not forgive and forget  is unconscious;  To forgive, and
        forget  is naive;   To forgive and never forget is spiritual maturity.
  -  God brought me to AA and AA brought me to God.
   -  Hope is in the future.
  -  God is not some pinch hitter.
  -  Trust in God, clean house, help others.   Pretty simple huh?
  -  The problem with therapy is that people view it as a consumer;  I go, I pay, You give me sanity.
  -  The closest star, outside of the sun, which is a small star by comparison, is Alpha Centuri.  It is
         two and a half light years away.  Two and half light years traveling at 186,000 miles per second.
         That would be 11 million miles in one minute and 669 million miles in one hour.  WOW, can
         you comes close to understanding such a distance?  Or fathom how vast the universe really is?
  -  Where is your joy?
  -  Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person we are forgiving.
  -  Without energy being consistently applied, all things disintegrate into chaos.
  -  God is felt experience, not a thought.
  -  Powerless is nor Helpless.  Compliance is not  Surrender.  Acquiescence is not Acceptance.  Honesty
         is not Truth.   Anger is not Resentment.  Intuition is not Instinct.  Faith is not Trust.  Self worth is not
         Self image.
  -  Serenity is not that all things are going well, serenity is the knowledge that all things are well, regardless
        of how they are going.
  -  I have tried throughout my sobriety to get back to the faith I had the first day I walked in the door.
  -  I'd much rather live in the day; the past holds regret and remorse, the future holds apprehension and fear.
        If I stay in the day, I can avoid them altogether.
  -  AA:  turns a bad "no give a shit," into a good, "no give a shit."
  -  Socialism is great until you run out of other peoples money.
  -  All light resides in the dark.
  -  Never make money for money's sake.
  -  You make your own luck.
  -  Never set aside who you are to be successful.
  -  Find the work you love, and you'll never work a day in your life.
  -  Zelig
  -  Life is so complex, or is it?
  -  The only thing life offer you is an education;  the lessons come everyday;  pay attention.
  -  How can someone do only one 4th step?
  -  There are only 4 conditions of faith I can live under:
        1.  God exist, and I do believe.
        2.  God exists, and I don't believe.
        3.  God doesn't exist, and I do believe.
        4.  God doesn't exist, and I don't believe.      Which one are you?   Pick one.

  -  Yesterday's sobriety won't keep me sober today.
  -  Pink Floyds "Dark Side of the Moon" was #1 on the Billoards top 100 albums for just shy of 10 years.
         The album that displaced Floyd was Michael Jackson's Thriller.
  -  Does God need me?  Is there something He wants from me?  He must need me, I'm still here.
  -  Should I help others at my expense?
  -  Character defects are survival mechanisms that aren't necessary any longer.
  -  There is a category of criminology called victimology.  Sound familiar?
  -  "Spirituality of Imperfection" by Ernie Kurtz
  -  Are you addicted to struggle? 
  -  It's all good.  It's simply a value judgement.
  -  God watches us as we ride the bicycle of life.
  -  The path you choose must have heart, else it is useless.
  -  2 interesting psychological pathologies are 1)  fallacy of fairness, and 2)  fallacy of control
  -  If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, then you will see all things as a nail.
  -  Lessons taught, till lessons learned.
  -  Watch your sense of superiority that comes with helping others and watch your need to have them
         weak.
  -  Nothing is certain.  Security does not exist. 
  -  God is not out there; God is in here.
  -  When Aldous Huxley knew he was dying, he suggested that they cut off his head and keep it alive
        and he would tell them what it felt like.  How's that for a philosophical pioneer. 
  -  Say yes; yes to all of it.
  -  The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.   (Wilde)
  -  The Cloud of Unknowing
  -  The only way out is through.
  -  Control is an illusion.
  -  Death is a beginning.
  -  Detach with love.
  -  Made a decision, over and over and over and over again.
  -  The older I get, the greater I was.
  -  It's never too late to be what you could have been.
  -  You do what you do, you get what you get.
  -  In the 1950's, which artist sold more records than Elvis?  Believe it or not, Pat Boone!!!
  -  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
         measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves who am I
         to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child
         of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about
         shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest
         the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let
         our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we
         are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  (Nelson Mandela)

  -  If you hold a real weapon in your hand, you will feel its character strongly.  It begs to be used.  It
        is fearsome.  Its only purpose is death, and its power is not just in the material from which it is
        made, but also from the intention of its makers.  It is regrettable that weapons must sometime
        be used, but occasionally, survival demands it.  The wise go forth with weapons only as a last
        resort.  They never rejoice in the skill of weapons, nor do they glorify war.  When death, pain,
        and destruction are visited upon what you hold to be most sacred, the spiritual price is
        devastating.  What hurts more than one's own suffering is bearing witness to the suffering of
        others.  The regret of seeing human beings at their worst and the sheer pain of not being able
        to help the victims, can never be redeemed.  If you go personally to war, you cross the line
        yourself.  You sacrifice ideals for survival and the fury of killing.  That alters you forever.  That is
        why no one rushes to be a soldier.  Think before you want to change so unalterably.  The stakes
        are not merely one's life, but one's very humanity.  (Thoughts of War: Deng Ming-Dao) 
        5000 years before Christ.

Middle Class (Art)

  I have chewed on this idea for a long time.  I had some discussions today with someone who grew up in the same type of home I did, in the same neighborhood.  I grew up in a very affluent area outside of Chicago.  Everything you could want was available, but nothing you really needed.  It is eye opening how much leeway and excuse we will make for people with money and power.   How wealth insulates, coddles, shields and protects the people who have it.  The most vile and despicable actions can, and do occur,  in those homes and goes completely undetected and unpunished.  How living in those environments shadows and effects all perception of self and blocks any real truth from illumination.  How it mangles and destroys all who live in its domain.  I like the image that the family pain is like an elephant in the living room, that everyone simply steps around, adjusts to, and takes no notice of.    In fact, after awhile, they really don't notice it, the denial so conditioned and deadening to their senses.  The elephant is comprised of various obscene violations .  Alcoholism, incest, verbal abuse, perfectionism, high expectation, drug addiction, corruption, physical violence, and sexual deviancy.  There is usually a lethal combination of these injuries present.  Sexual abuse and incest are by far the most lasting, egregious and pernicious, and become the most closely held and jealously guarded of them all.  What ever it is, it all becomes the family secret that everyone knows but never, ever mentions openly, especially if the perpetrator of those crimes is still alive, and in the home.  The secret is protected at all cost, the shame, just too painful to reveal.   You can never see what you see.  It becomes the sacred cow that meanders over and through, trampling and shitting on everything and everyone without regard.  The family dutifully cleans up the mess and forgets anything ever happened, no matter how horrendous the damage.  It all must remain underground, pushed deep, suppressed and locked away.   These are the dwellings where reactive violence and abuse is commonplace by all inhabitants.  Always ready for any targets of opportunity; quick release, mercurial and arbitrary.  Makes sense doesn't it?  Everyone is sitting on a time bomb of pain, hurt and denial, where else can it go but outward?  Interestingly, the violence is usually never directed at the perpetrator, but only at the innocent.   Protect the cause of  the pain, another strange characteristic of the secret.   Here, you will also find a fetid witches brew of vulgar judgement and vicious character assassination.   You see, shame always has to be ejected and the bitter criticism of others does just that.   It lasts only temporarily, spends quickly and must be reloaded constantly.   Like a line of cocaine, short lived, but addictive in its euphoric oblivion and release.  It's a feeding frenzy of hate,  nutritional only to the twisted heart.   These are the homes where all poisonous gossip is conjured, nurtured, and expectorated into the local pipeline.  Those who bring in any destructive tidbits to the family can earn more attention and elevation depending upon how incriminating the gossip is.  It becomes a familial currency for purchasing favor.  You see, this is all designed to accomplish one thing, to defocus shame and truth away from self towards others.  Like clothing caught fire, it must be removed immediately.  It's constant, smoke and mirrors; deflection and obfuscation; don't look behind the curtain; avoid, deny, repress;  like a race track shell game.  It's here, no over here, no here.  You'll never be able to find the stone.    If you go into such a home, they will  teach you right away how to avoid and deny as they do.   You will be issued your own set of rose colored glasses, specially fitted for this family.   If you happen to have the temerity to openly notice the pain, then believe me, that's the last time they'll invite you over.  They only accept co conspirators in their purposeful deception.  That would be people who have the same elephant in their living rooms. 
     The secret has to be maintained from conscious awareness.  It holds all the family shame and guilt associated with those injustices.  It also acts to intimidate anyone from recognition.  The fear being that if I see my true pain, I will not be able to survive. That's what the wound tells us, and we believe it.   What happens in a secret family is that the shame gets distributed amongst all the children;  all react to it in their own unique ways.  No one escapes.  Shame runs downhill, hitting the younger children with more ferocity, as the older children release theirs upon the powerless and weaker.  Most will continue to deny their truth for the rest of their lives.   What is sad about that, is they create their own families burdened with the heavy unconscious pain they carry.  Instilling that hidden wound within their unsuspecting offspring; and on and on and on.   Living in this unresolved situation, they will most assuredly act out their avoidance in some pathological way; it is inevitable.   To many, the result is to find solace in some form of addiction, or act out in a manner similar to the perpetrator.  This is the fertile ground for chemical attraction.  All family members will carry the load of shame, no matter how long they have been out of the home, or how far away they are from their origins.  If moving far away would release the pain of childhood, we would all be living in Australia.
      The family knows its aberration and must conceal it, first, from themselves, and second, from the world of others.  This becomes the overriding commandment, and it forces all members into an intricate, convoluted, and extremely dishonest way of life.   But there is a problem.  Not everyone wants to conceal the truth.  There always seems to be one or two who choose not to live the family lie.  They are unwilling to deny, or worse yet, intentionally take that truth and share it with someone, outside the home.  They know it has to be exposed.   This child senses that the suppression of truth is dangerous, and feels compelled to release it.   Usually the more sensitive, philosophical and spiritual,  it's about survival for them;  they cannot adhere to lies and hypocrisy;  it is counter to their natures.  These children perceive and feel at a much deeper level than the rest of the family.  The artists.   I believe they intuitively know their souls are in jeopardy, and act instinctively to protect their sanity.   Thank God.  There always seems to be one in every family that refuses to be oppressed. 
      Once the secret is revealed publicly, the line has been breached.  Now the family unit heeds the call to action.  The gates are being stormed.  Protection of the family secret must be maintained.  Protection of our own avoidance is paramount.  All precautions must be taken.  The family will coordinate and organize a battle plan, imbued with vengeance and instituted with evangelical zeal.  Terror propelled behavior.  For we all have much to lose.  Reaction is swift, unrelenting, and committed in its application.  The rebel becomes the object of unbridled scorn, criticism, and disdain.  Kill the messenger.  The secret is out, where, they have no idea.  A public relations campaign is planned and instituted against the rebellion.   Complete rejection of the fact that the truth needs exposure, the family chooses instead to reject the child who brings such awareness.  He or she becomes the object of ridicule by the other children to anyone they believe may be infected with knowledge of their cherished shame.  The idea is to poison the minds of those who may have heard the truth by dirtying the character of the insurrectionist.  The sensitive child is most times different than other children.  They see and feel life uniquely; sometimes oddly.  They may be more anti-social or introverted than the others.  That makes it easier to convince outsiders that there is something fundamentally wrong with them.  They become an outcast to the family and anywhere it has influence.   One clever strategy is to impart to others the question of the child's sanity.  Be careful, we think he's crazy.  Oddly enough, most children who receive this kind of pressure, usually become extremely troubled, and it puts there sanity in jeopardy.  They begin to question the voracity of the secret to themselves.  Suicide becomes an attractive alternative to some as the isolation becomes unbearable.  Those who attempt it are almost always successful in these types of situations.  Makes sense, it is not a cry for help but an act of resignation and final demoralization.  Everyone they love has abandoned them, or hates them.   They would all be better off without me.  You could surmise that the pressure was intended to do just that.  Certainly if you're dead, you can't speak any longer.  That solves a lot a problems in one consummate decision.  We can all safely go back to sleep now.  Think about the vile nature of the attacks against them and who's doing it.   Could you endure that kind of treatment?   It takes an unusually strong mind to withstand the onslaught.   They amass a group of the like minded to keep the charade alive and prospering.  It spreads like wild fire.  It seems an odd human trait to want to join in the character destruction of someone else, but understandable, given the fact that most people carry deep unconscious shame themselves and need a ready target to release it upon.  It's natural for them.  Their inability to see and open their own shame causes them to isolate and attempt to destroy the one who won't be quiet.  The only one with true integrity and courage.  Imagine how lonely it feels to be that child!
     Do you understand that these family members are doing this to one of their own brothers or sisters?  Do you understand the narcissistic terror that must drive someone to attack their blood, in order to stay unaware and hide their own shame from themselves?    Do you understand how powerful and pernicious the wounds we all carry can be to ourselves and the people we love?  Do you understand that unless they are exposed, you can never find any contentment or wholeness?    Do you understand the depth of sickness that such people must carry in order to act this way against their kin?   How gutless, weak,  flaccid, and disgusting; such cowardice, a complete turpitude.  It's stunningly caustic and morally acidic.   A poison of the highest order.  It makes me want to vomit when I think about it.
      Truth cannot be stopped;  it can be avoided, denied, soft sold, repressed, reflected or obscured in any number of ways; but be aware, it cannot be stopped.  Truth carries an overarching need to be exposed, expressed, and openly seen for what it is.  That's what truth does.  That's what truth is.  That's why people hate it, and avoid it at all cost.  That's the imperative it carries, it must be recognized.  Truth has enormous power and emanates its intensive energy, inexorably.  It festers, nips, bothers, gnaws, bites, troubles, preoccupies, charges, ignites, infiltrates, nightmares, scratches, radiates and confronts the avoider in a hundred different ways, at a hundred different times.  It becomes completely untenable to ignore.  That's how it works; it will never let you go, it will never let you up, it will never let you off the hook, it will never give you any relief until it is faced and its voice is heard.  So go ahead, keep running.  It is stronger than you can imagine.  It will hunt you,  and run you down,  like the tireless hound that it is.   For this is Gods messenger, and he will be heeded.
     These people are not monsters, but are people controlled and acting from a deep terror,  unconsciously listening to the instructions ordered from their shame.  We all know how dangerous a cornered and panicked animal can be.  That's a good image to keep in mind.   To the world outside, they all appear to be normal, without serious blemish.  See them gather and engage one another, it all looks fine.  They tell the same stories and laugh the same laugh, but the stories are scripted to give a specific impression to the world, and never touch any real truth.  They all wink at their duplicity while they spin a mythological yarn of normalcy.  They appear to be loving and intimate, bonded with one another in a closeness.  But the bond is held by the secret and cemented by their adherence to denial.   In this situation there is no true intimacy, there can't be; for intimacy is honesty.  Like a band of thieves, huddled and isolated; hold up in anxious expectation.  The stories always told over numerous and sundry cocktails.  For the communal  pain requires the communal remedy, alcohol.  Many, most are functional alcoholics.  The magic elixir for all avoidance, the ultimate potion of suppression.  They are the average American family; happy and successful.  They live in beautiful, coiffed, and immaculate homes.  They all drive luxury automobiles and take exotic and expensive vacations.  Their kids, living in the same untruth, attend the best colleges; 4.0 expected.   The shame is taken into the world veiled under the pretense of perfection and success.  All compulsive perfectionism is always driven by shame and its need to remain hidden.   How could there be anything wrong with us?  Look at what I have.  Many act as pillars within their respective churches, a dead give away.  It all looks so good.   Aren't we better than everyone else?  Who wouldn't want to be us?
      They all take their shame out into the world and pour it on others.   Can't stand any criticism.  Can dish it out, but can't take it.  Typical  Bullies.  Ive seen this type of home my whole life.  It is a place of shame and unreality hidden behind power, wealth and entitlement.  Nicely insulated from accountability.   For money is god and worshipped with complete acquiescence and abdication.  Everything conspires to support the same perpetration and hide the same depravity.  The schools, clubs, social networks, churches,  police and local government all consort and approve the deification of the wealthy, and the purposeful ignorance of its wicked actions.   The general acceptance of this counterfeit  impression adds the veneer of legitimacy and protection to all who reside there.   It is a sham, scam and a sickening hypocrisy.  I've witnessed and experienced the most destructive actions by such people and they were never called to account.  You know, I respect a professional criminal more, because he knows who, and what he is.  He lives a strange kind of honesty, in that he presents no false image of himself to the world.  There is an unusually odd integrity in such a person.  These are ugly, ugly places.  No matter how beautiful their homes, how much meaningless acclaim they have garnered or how much bounty they have plundered, they all live in spiritual emptiness and deprived squalor.  Starved for the real wealth and beauty that life offers those who adhere to the truth, and those who have the courage to uncover their own.  For those who have taken this unlikely and painful observance to the truth,  I salute you, and honor your hearts.  For you are a brave and heroic lot.  Always keep in mind that God smiles on the courageous.  Be well.
                                                               Yours in kinship,
                                                                                            Mike C.

Just a Thought (AA-sort of)

  -  God never promised life would be easy, only worthwhile.
  -  My inability to articulate my needs and wants to you, makes me resent you and loath myself.
  -  Our problems are never about someone else.
  -  There is no reality out there, only a reality in here, projected out there.
  -  Expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.
  -  Children feel everything, at all times.
  -  You either deal with the wound or the wound deals you.
  -  You cannot make me do anything; no one can.
  -  In order for you to betray me, I have to first betray myself.
  -  We do someone a great disservice when we do for them what they could, and should do for themselves.
  -  There is no God to find, only a God to allow.
  -  Did you know that about 50% of the world is looking for fresh water to drink and food to eat.  Please
        remember that the next time you go to the grocery store. We are rich beyond belief; be grateful for that,
        don't feel guilty about it. 
  -  If you cannot find yourself where you are right now, then where are you going to go to look for you?
  -  God's Will shall never take you to a place where God's Grace will not sustain you.
  -  Be yourself, cause everyone else is already taken.
  -  70% of the world cannot read.
  -  Even a broken mirror can reflect the truth.
  -  I don't see the world as it is, I see the world as I am.
  -  There is a God and it ain't you.
  - The God I seek is in the pain I avoid.
  -  You cannot convince me of anything without me allowing you to do it. 
  -  I can't trust, because I believe that if you betray me, I won't be able to take care of myself.
  -  Love your neighbor as yourself; the problem is, that is exactly what we do.
  -  How can I love you when I don't love me?
  -  If you want to see how power corrupts, just watch a school crossing guard; then multiply that by
         ten thousand.
  -  Sober alcoholics do not display any more psychiatric disorders than the general population.  See I told
         you we weren't  crazy.
  -  How can I miss you if you don't leave? (Cyrus)
  -  Perfect is the enemy of the good.
  -  I drove by the cemetery a few days ago and all the headstones had the same inscription: "I was only
         trying to help."
  -  1 million people will die this week worldwide.  Be glad you are not one of them.
  -  Remember:  No good deed goes unpunished.
  -  Ego is the enemy to all spirituality.
  -  Humility usually comes through humiliation; Gods way of telling us we need to pay attention.
  -  What's your greatest secret?
  -  When I didn't know better, I couldn't do better.  Now I know better, I can do better.
  -  The alcoholic:  a failed mystic.  beautiful description.
  -  Why is getting what you want so damn important?  What will that do for you if you do get what you
         want?  Why is being right so important?  What does that mean to you?  What do you risk by being
         wrong?  What's at stake?
  -  Actions speak louder than words. 
  -  I've never heard someone talk so much and say so little
  -  Sponsors must have an inordinate amount of humility to do it correctly.  Given the alcoholics natural
           ego inclination to control and manipulate added to his insecure need for approval and deification,
           a vulnerable and naive newcomer is a ripe target for any dishonest sponsor who lacks true
           humility.  A sponsor can gain humility if they admit that they are benefiting as much as the newcomer.
  -  Whoa to the man whose mind quickly grasps what his heart fails to see.
  -  The journey is not outward to another place, it is inward to the center of yourself.
  -  Why is it so easy to see others faults, and so hard to see my own?
  -  The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.
  -  The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking; simple enough.
  -  The problem with life is that there is no one to blame it on.
  -  Don't do as I do, do as I say.
  -  Cicero Frank use to say, "once I realized that God loved me, what else mattered."
  -  Every person is a mirror.
  -  Gain, loss / have, have not / win, loose / success, failure / out, in  are all the same.  To live in duality is
         to constantly live in judgement and anxiety.
  -  Every problem is a spiritual problem.
  -  It seems that there is a 5 year cycle in AA.  If you notice many people drink around the 5, 10, and 15
         year mark; some even at 20.  Ouch!
  -  Why is it that little girls are rarely diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.  Just a question.
  -  If not you, then who;  if not now, then when?
  -  Why should anyone listen to me?  Not because I've done everything right, but because I've done every-
         thing wrong.
  -  It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
  -   How is it that we spend countless hours in study, education, and research on our careers, but
         can't seem to find 5 extra minutes to pray?
  -  The 4 absolutes are what drove Bill Wilson out of the Oxford Group.  Keep
         that in mind.                                    
  -  People don't want truth, they want comfort.
  -  The search for God, Self, and Truth are all the same thing.
  -  The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
  -  How is it that I know how to care for you, but have no idea of how to care for me?
  -  Emotional sobriety is just that.
  -  The pain you carry will not get better by avoiding it, it will only get worse.
  -  How often does your entire family sit down to a meal together?
  -  I'm not looking for answers, I'm looking for better questions.
  -  Your head can only think, it cannot feel. 
  -  A man who brags about the greatness of his mind is like a convict who brags about the size of his
         prison cell.
  -  There are no absolutes.
  -  Do you realize how fortunate we are in America that we can turn on a faucet anywhere and safely
        drink that water.  Flush a toilet, and that water will never mix with our drinking water.
        Try that in India where the Ganges River is the source of drinking, cooking, and bathing as well as the
        depository of human and animal waste.  Can you imagine how physically sick these people are because
        of that!
  -   Remember that no matter what anniversary you are celebrating today in AA,  it is always a
         very dangerous time.
  -  For all us born beneath an angry star, as we forget how fragile we are. (Sting)
  -  What am I repressing, denying, or avoiding today?
  -  A priest friend of mine always asks 2 questions after someone has slipped: When did you
         stop going to meetings?  and What are you hiding?  I like that.                   
  -  I am my choices, that's all I am.  How do I make better ones?
  -  The only failure in life is living without risk.
  -  The US Government borrows 5 billion dollars a day.
  -  There's no place to go, you're already there;  There is no God to find, He's already here.  There's
         nothing to do, it's already done; there's nothing to become you already are.  Just stop looking and it will all catch up with you.
  -  The most spiritually profound things are said by the newcomer because he has no idea what he is
        talking about.
  -  I'm always better off if I don't plan anything.
  -  You are where you're at, and don't need to be anywhere else.
  -  Why is the moment so hard to live in?  Because in it,  I'm there with me.
  -  If we are all the same, then why are we always categorized by our differences?
  -  Follow the man who seeks the truth, beware the man who has found it.
  -  The key to happiness lies in the reason for your unhappiness.
  -  When the pain of staying still becomes greater than the pain of moving, you'll move.
  -  A cat will only sit on a hot stove once;  but he will never sit on a cold one either
  -  If you want love, be more loving
  -  I can only acquire what I am willing to give up.
  -  In order to attain something you desire, don't desire it.
  -  You want to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.
  -  Where you going so fast?  and  Why are you going so fast?
  -  Alcoholic pilot over the intercom:  I have no idea where we're going, but we sure are makin good time.
  -  It was the atheist who suggested to Bill Wilson, "why don't you say, God as you understood Him."
  -  I can't give you something I don't have.
  -  God will do for me what I can't do for myself; I only need to let Him.
  -  The promises, are just that.
  -  What we admire in another are the same qualities we ourselves possess.
  -  What we resent in others are the same qualities we possess, but are unwilling to be aware of them.
  -  Restore to sanity means that at one point, I was sane.  Huh.
  -  The victim,  like misery, always needs a susceptible audience.
  -  When America deserted Viet Nam, we abandoned what constituted the 3rd largest military power in the
         world at that time;  we just left it there.  Stunning huh?
  -  All prejudice is an attempt to remove our self hate and place it onto another.
  -  Everything I need for complete spiritual fulfillment is available to me at this very moment.
  -  If you want to see, then look.
  -  It is, and it ain't no iser.
  -  Life is difficult; compared to what?
  -  When I was in Viet Nam, I could get a cold bottle of coke a cola almost anywhere in the villages. Weird.
  -  What comes from the heart, reaches the heart;  what comes from the head reaches nowhere.
  -  The intellect is the enemy of all true awareness.
  -  1% of the population of the world owns a computer or has a college degree; 1%!
  -  Sin boldly.
  -  Pain:  the touchstone of all spiritual progress.
  -  Character is what you do when no one is looking.
  -  What part of no don't you understand?
  -  AA recovers your heart through your head.
  -  Do you realize how fortunate you are that you no longer have to drink?
  -  Just for today.
  -  My life could never have been purchased, only experienced.
  -  Yin / Yang
  -  AA: a place where redemption is found in damnation; where truth is found in lies;  where communion
       is found in isolation;  where self is found in others; where faith is found in disbelief; where beauty is
       found in the disfigured;  where life is found in death;  where God is found in the sinner.  Amazing isn't it?
  -  The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference.
  -  The mind sees only what it's told, the heart sees everything else.
  -  There is no security, but there can be serenity.
  -  If you leave the house and run into three assholes, you can be assured, you're the asshole.
  -  If you don't pray on your hands and knees then I think you have a problem with who's who in the
         relationship.
  -  If you are having trouble staying sober, I think you might want to take a look at your drinking
  -  Nothing will ensure continued sobriety more than working with others.
  -  Nothing will ensure continued sobriety more than not drinking.
  -  Every problem I encounter has one overriding characteristic, I happen to be there for it.
  -  There are no problems, only spiritual opportunities.
   - There are no problems, only solutions.
  -  How can two people look at the very same situation and see two entirely different things?
  -  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
  -  I'm not much, but I'm all I think about.
  -  There is no constant or steady state in life, that's why there is no place to go, it's already gone.
  -  To try to hold onto anything is futile.
  -  Buddhist Monk was asked, what do you do?  I sit at the river bank, selling water.
  -  To meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposter's just the same (Kipling)
  -  Character more easily kept than recovered.
  -  Sometimes you find your destiny on the road you took to avoid it.
  -  500 million people are close to death by starvation and malnutrition at this very moment.  Be grateful.
  -  Why do people cry when they experience overwhelming beauty?  Cause one day they know they
            won't be here to see it.
  -  Truth requires action.
  -  How come there is always traffic whenever I get on the road?
  -  Crater Lake was secret to the Indian tribe in that area; only the chief and medicine man knew of its
        location;  it was considered to be such powerful visual medicine that only they could be trusted with
        its whereabouts.
  -  You think it would be easier for us to change, because we are doing it all the time.
  -  Famous Greek director was asked if he ever had any problems with people throughout his long career;
         he answered "only the people I helped."
  -  Hardships don't create character, they reveal it.
  -  Today, no matter what your situation, if you have food, clothes, a roof, and a bed to sleep in,
         you are luckier than 75% of the worlds people. 
  -  Aren't you just tired of thinking about yourself?
  -  4% of the population are sociopaths.  Scary huh?
  -  Freedom isn't free.
  -  AA is the greatest humanitarian movement ever created.  It took Gods vast power and put it in the hands
         of the weak, failed, broken, and fragile; and we intuitively knew what to do with it.  Unbelievable.
  -  Bill and Bob, a more unusual odd couple could never be imagined.  Thank God each was who he was.
  -  Life is filled with pain, sorrow and disappointment; and over all too soon.
  -  Why do the Irish party so enthusiastically at funerals?  They're glad its not them.
  -  Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?  They have a common enemy.
  -  How come you feel that you have to go anywhere?
  -  The destruction caused in an alcoholic family touches all things, and all people, and all generations.  It
         needs to stop now.
  -  If I always know the right thing to do, why is it so damn hard to do it?
  -  AA, Accountability in Action
  -  Why be considerate of the neighbors and be cruel to each other?
  -  If God is loving, why do we hate each other so much?
  -  If God is loving, why do we hate ourselves so much?
  -  God has trouble with religion.
  -  If someone hears you criticize the corpse at an Irish wake, they will chide you with "don't speak ill of
        the dead."  I guess you can only speak ill of the living. 
  -  My brother is a cardiologist and he put a pace maker in one of his 78 year old patients.  After it was
        inserted, his 80 year old wife came in and asked if it was ok to "chaka chaka" when they got home.
        When she left, the man turned to my brother and said, "my wife is so sexy."  How's that for sweet.
  -  Our differences may define us, but it is our similarities that unite us.
  -  We are all warriors in the spirit.
  -  Courage is not action in the absence of fear, courage is action in spite of fear.
  -  3 billion people, yes billion, cannot worship in the church of their choice without fear of being attacked
         or killed.  Think of that this Sunday.
  -  After dropping the 2 atomic bombs on Japan, they were warned that the next one would be on Tokyo.
         That forced the surrender and ended the war.  We didn't have a third bomb.  One of the greatest
          bluffs in human history. 
  -  If only everyone just swept in front of their own doors, wouldn't the world be a clean place.
  -  AA, a free organization whose members have paid the highest initiation fee ever charged.
  -  Pray for potatos, pick up a hoe.
  -  You want spirituality, get a job.
  -  Dare to be present today.
  -  There is no tomorrow.
  -  Wake up.
  -  Don't look to the future, we'll all be dead.
  - The truth is so obvious as to be completely overlooked.
  -  I am eternally grateful for the special group of men who gave up their tomorrows, so that we could
        have our today's.  Please remember the soldier.
  -  Where ever you go, there you are.
  -  The Hindus believe there is only one sin, desire.
  -  Dr Bob was a proctologist by profession.  When his friends heard he had quit drinking and was
        working with alcoholics, they declared, "It's nice to see he's still working with a bunch of assholes."
  -  I was at my sponsors office one day and a mutual friend of ours was just leaving.  I said, "boy, that
         guys gotta good life, huh?"  My sponsor answered, "Yea, and he knows it."
  -  We are all in the departure lounge.
  -  I may not be where I want to be, but I'm exactly where I've chosen to be.  OUCH!
  -  Everything God made has a crack in it.
  -  The Chinese believe that all things come out of the void, a place of  active creative nothingness.  Different.
  -  It is flattering to think that the God who made all the universe, took the time to make me.
  -  We were perfect when we were born, then we met our parents.
  -  If there is one women out there for you, it'll be guaranteed you won't find her.
  -  I have never been married because I believe in it.
  -  Why is the truth so difficult to accept?  Because once I see it, I can no longer claim ignorance.
  -  AA:  where can you get this kind of entertainment for only 2 bucks?
  -  Pain is just that.
  -  As much empathy as I have for those who slip, I'm always glad it's not me.
  -  Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
  -  I can only help you if you need help, want help, and ask for help; then I can only help you help yourself.
  -  How come I will do things for you that I would never do for me?
  -  How do you accept something?  You surrender to the truth it presents to you.
  -  Have you ever noticed that the guy in the room who is in the most crisis is the guy with 20+ years.
  -  I can't give it to you, but I can help you get it.
  -  USMC:  Uncle Sam's Misguided Children.
  -  I avoid myself by helping you.
  -  Can I give up what I need to, in order to find what I have to?
  -  Pride commeth before the fall.
  -  Ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
  -  An alcoholic is the person who can lie in the gutter and look down on someone.
  -  Who is more important to me than me?  I have been with me every moment.  I will be here until the
         end.  If I don't learn to take care of me, then who will.
  -  GOD:  Group of Drunks; Good orderly Direction; and my favorite, Gift of Despair.
  -  Alcohol wants me drunk, but it will settle for me being miserable.
  -  Alcohol wants me dead, I have the right to defend myself.
  -  We're all in this together, by ourselves.
  -  The answer to our lives is in the place where we least desire to look.
  -  Be yourself, no matter what they say.
  -  You only have one job in life, to be the best you you can be.
  -  When you look in the mirror, isn't it unsettling that there is someone looking back at you?
  -  Get use to eating humble pie; after awhile it doesn't taste half bad.
  -  I don't make many commitments because I believe in them.
  -  As long as you hurt me less than I hurt myself, I'll never notice.
  -  5 answers to prayer: 1) yes  2) no  3) wait  4) you've got to be kidding me; and my most very favorite
        of the whole bunch;  5) ok, but you're not going to like it.
  -  6% of the population hold 59% of the wealth worldwide;  all of them are here in the US.  WOW!
  -  Stop asking for things because you'll get em.
  -  Victims only victimize themselves.
  -  I help you (Rescuer), you don't appreciate me (Victim), I feel compelled to retaliate (Perpetrator); the
         cycle repeats over and over driven by need and shame.
  -  Truth hurts.
  -  We are always unconsciously telling people how to treat us.
  -  I have always been a sucker for beauty. 
  -  Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
  -  I only have one soul to save, that's my own.
  -  Throughout your sobriety you will step over many bodies, don't lie down with them.  (Ponytail Bob)
  -  You can't sell AA to anyone, he's already purchased it from God.
  -  God sees in private, but rewards openly.
  -  Guilt is what I feel when I do something wrong; shame is my identity as a person.
  -  The last thing I usually call on for help is the most powerful thing I could do for myself, pray.
  -  How many times do I have to forgive my brother?  7 times 70.
  -  Why do parents only talk to their kids when something is wrong?
  -  If parents think they are hiding anything from their kids awareness, they are sadly mistaken.
  -  All wholeness lies in our brokenness.
  -  I'm always awed by the fact that PHD's can't figure out a foolproof way to lock a gate against the
        mind and creativity of any average 5 year old.  It's funny isn't it? 
  -  To gain the kingdom of heaven, become like the child
  -  Where do you spend the most effort?  Why?
  -  Bogart was heard to say, "the only reason to have money was to tell some big shot to go screw himself."
  -  Why do we care about the people in Hollywood?  How is it that we think that their lives are more
         important than our own?  How could that be?
  -  Who the hell is Oprah anyway?  Why would she know what's good for you?
  -  Ought to be easy, ought to be simple enough; man meets a women and they fall in love; but the house is
         haunted and the ride gets rough; got to learn to live with what you can't rise above;  as we ride down
         baby into the tunnel of love. (Springsteen)
  -  I'm not who I should be, I'm not who I ought to be, I'm not who I could be, but thank God, I'm not
          who I use to be.
  -  Be careful what you do, reaction follows all action.
  -  Let life be.
  -  Go ahead, jump.
  -  If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride;  if wishes were watches, I'd wear one by my side.
  -  If my aunt had nuts, she'd be my uncle.
  -  Attraction not promotion.
  -  Who in God's name buys anything from the Home Shopping Network?  Why?
  -  Wall Mart brings in $36 million dollars an hour which translates into $22 thousand dollars a minute
           in profit.
  -  I'm lookin for the daughter of the devil himself, I'm lookin for an angel in white; I'm lookin for a women
        who's a little of both, I can feel her but she's nowhere in sight. (Eagles)
  -  During the siege of Berlin in WWII, you could make a phone call.  Ah, those Germans.
  -  The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
  -  The only things that are life and death, are life and death.
  -  Walking the wire between pain and desire, looking for love in between. (Eagles)
  -  What do you think happens when we die?  We're going to find out.
  -  I would hate to have my entire life judged by a 5 minute encounter with someone, but that's exactly
         what happens.  I guess it would depend on which 5 minutes.
  -  Risk, always risk. 
  -  I have been so use to the pain in my life being the only thing that let me know I was alive.
  -  We aren't crazy, we use insanity as a defense against letting people too close to us.
  -  The problem with religion is that it's always concerned with what happens after you die, not what
         happens while you're alive.
  -  My tolerance for story, bullshit, and the victim is very thin;  I'll have to work on that.
  -  Think, think, think, I disagree;  Don't think, Don't think, Don't think.
  -  Do you really think that this vast, awe inspiring, magnificent, fantastic, beautiful and improbable life
        could be described and understood by any one religion?  Or any one philosophy?  Or any one book?
        Not likely.
  -  I think at the hour of our death, all questions will be answered.
  -  If guilt was a currency, we'd all be millionaires.
  -  A cemetery is the most ridiculous use of land I can imagine.
  -  Death is natures way of telling you to slow down.
  -  Too bad most Christians aren't more like Christ.
  -  I can't understand why compassion is considered to be a soft quality; truth is brutal, no matter how
        gently it is administered.
  -  You can't scare an alcoholic.  How do you scare someone who is already terrified?
  -  The Vatican is the largest land owner in the world.
  -  He lies like an eyewitness.
  -  Judge not, lest ye be judged.
  -  The still small voice, is just that. 
  -  There are very few things that matter to me anymore, but those that do, I would die for.
  -  My life has been spent creating a distance between myself and the peace inside of me. (NicA)
  -  Why do your children ignore you?  They intuitively reject hypocrisy.
  -  Most things in life are trivial.
  -  Let me get my head out of my ass, so I can get my foot out of my mouth.
  -  How is it that a hooker always has unreliable eyesight?
  -  Fix, manage and control. 
  -  Boy it is tiring running the world.
  -  90% of all our communication is non verbal; body language.
  -  Why would anyone pay attention to what others think of them?  Believe me, they are so concerned
         with their lives that you don't matter to them anyway.
  -  Quit bitching about what you don't have, and start being grateful for what you do.
  -  Quit bitching about anything.
  -  Thank you God for the moment of clarity.
  -  Wow, time goes by fast.  The older I get, the faster it goes.
  -  From the phone call to AA:  I realized and accepted that I was an alcoholic; I was given the desire to
        move into recovery;  and the obsession to alcohol was lifted from me;  from the phone call!  How's
        that for a gift of love?
   -  Women who live together will cycle at the same time;  that's amazing isn't it?
   -  The Chinese believe that we communicate on several different energetic levels outside of common
          language.
   -  Physician, heal thyself.
   -  Jung believed we carry 4 distinct archetypes: King (Queen), Warrior, Magician, and Lover.  Each one
         has a healthy developmental aspect and mature aspect; each one can also carry a specific pathology.
         Those sicknesses come into our consciousness through a process called the "shadow."
  -  Sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is slam the door in some one's face.
  -  God has been there for me throughout, even when I didn't want Him to.  How's that for loving?
  -  We transmit the amount of information contained in all the libraries of the world everyday electronically.
  -   Computers get twice as fast, and half as expensive every 6 months.  That's called competition.
  -  Why do we buy our oil from Canada and Mexico?  Just a question.
  -  Restless, irritable and discontent.
  -  The most important person in the room sits in your chair.
  -  There is no time, only a constant series of nows.
  -  How does the program work?  It works just fine.
  -  They have developed a process to desalinate ocean water to make it drinkable;  amazing.
  -  I spend a lot of time trying to hide those things about me that others already know.
  -  90% of our information about the world comes through our eyesight.
  -  Democracy is a poor form of government, but it's the best one we have.
  -  It's all good.
  -  Prayer works, give it a try.
  -  The key is to want what I'm gonna get.
  -  Guilt is such a useless pastime.
  -  I have been sober a long time, I have never heard sex, death, or love chosen as a topic.  Not that
         those things matter to us.
  -  Capitalism brings prosperity.  Don't believe me, just look at the stark difference between North and
         South Korea.
  -  35 years sober is impressive;  35 days is miraculous.
  -  Life is difficult, ok.
  -  Nothing is secure.
  -  California is the 7th largest economy in the world, in the world;  one American state.
  -  Control, the Olympic Event.
  -  Freedom is God given and resides in the heart of every human being.  Think of how many people don't
         have the ability to decide their own fates.  Sad.
  -  So your mother and father hated you, don't take it personally.
  -  There is no punishment severe enough for anyone who hurts a child.
  -  It works, if you work it.
  -  What's important is what you learn after you know it all.
  -  We are who we are because we have a system that allows us to self actualize.
  -  Empathy, when you can fake that, you got it beat.
  -  God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth.  How come that is so hard for me to remember?
  -  Shame, the hot potato that's passed around the alcoholic family.
  -  Carry the message, not the alcoholic.
  -  I sat with my grandmother right before she died at 93.  I said, "wow 93 years, that's a long time."
          she replied,  "yes it is, and it went by like that,"  as she snapped her fingers.
  -  Resentments:  remember, it is better to give em, than to get em.
  -  Truth with love.  I'll try to keep that in mind.
  -  The 12 steps are but suggestions; but it is better for you if you see them as demands.  Just a suggestion.
  -  There was a guy at the meeting earlier with 40 days.  He has no idea how much he helps me. 
  -  Addictions:  see if any of these make sense:  worry, control, rage, perfectionism, depression, chaos,
         romance, people, shame, failure, loss, money, codependency, anxiety, fear, aggression, self pity,
         guilt, power.
  -  I feel so bad since you've been gone, it's almost like you're still here (Cyrus)

        

40 Photos (Art)

     I grew up in the wealthy and idyllic suburb of River Forest, la de da.  In fact, as a good buddy of mines  mother always states, "North" River Forest.  Because the underlings, unwashed, and inferior live in "South" River Forest; the land of the untouchable other half.   As an adult, my work has taken me into many of the homes there and in Oak Park as well; ick.  I still hate Oak Park, especially the high school; an institution which prides itself on the mastery of euphemism and avoidance, and the protection of those with money.   Motivation to write this came from a job I was doing for a women who was in the process of a divorce. The divorce that was thrust upon her by a husband who found it necessary to fuck younger women all the time.  My contention is, that if you still want to fuck young women, then why the hell did you ever get married?  Just a thought.  Coming from someone who has never been married, probably for that very reason; I believe in it.  Maybe this piece should be the expectations of an unconscious and chicken shit man who hates his mother but can't confront her?  So instead of taking his testicles back from her, he punishes every women he encounters, especially any women who has the stupidity to love him.  They all surrogate for his impotence and anger.   A man who envisions his dick as a weapon of mass destruction and panders to, and strokes his ego, every time he pulls it out.  That for another day; got caught in that for a second, sorry, back to the story; though that is part of the story.
    I walked into the house, a exceedingly lovely home.  You could smell the perfection in the air; not a thing misplaced anywhere; pristine.  Houses that look this way are usually places filled with shame and broken childhoods, hiding behind the pretense of invincibility and wealth.  Money has a tendency to mask pain and insecurity, fronting an image of perfection to the world.   How can I be less than, because everything I have tells me that I am much more than?   The imperative becomes making the outside appear without blemish because the insides are so mangled, confused and damaged.  Everything was so physically beautiful, and hospital sanitary.  Dust would not have the disrespect  to fall on any item within.   Flowers adorned many of the tables and the massive the fireplace in the center of the front room.  Though beautiful as they were, the flowers made the house smell like a funeral home.  Aware of the death of their marriage, I guess the smell was appropriate.   An extraordinarily expensive reconstruction of a turn of the century Victorian.  A "price is no object" remodel, done by artisans and proud professionals at the top of their games.  Stunning old oak trim and cross cut oak flooring overwhelmed the eye.  It was an explosions of expert craftsmanship.  Kitchen: Viking, Thermador and Sub-Zero.  Handsome and lovely at the same time.   A simply gorgeous home.  Sunday magazine worthiness.
      At the front door began a staircase that landed about 5 steps above and broke to the second floor about 15 steps later.  The rails and woodwork were a complex interplay of intricate cross patterns and medalians weaving throughout the entire structure.   I was looking at a  piece of artwork, the medium, wood; it was so elegant.  Should be in an art gallery somewhere, its beauty indescribable.  What caught my eye was all along the walls up the stairway were photos, there were 40 of them, 40! I counted them!   These photos were not of family and friends, a chronicle of a life lived through time as one would expect.  These photos were of one singular and primary event in her life, her wedding day.  It struck me deeply how important that day was for this women.  I felt a ponderous sadness as I looked at them.   How happy she appeared in the glow of promise of that day with her new husband.  Excited, aroused, expectant, fulfilled, content; the mythological culmination of an epic romance.  The perfect man, the perfect dress, the perfect day.  If the house looked as I described, imagine what her wedding dress looked like.  The ideal of feminine class and sexuality all contained in a flowing trained silk experience, captivating and graceful.   Jesus, women are so stunning on their wedding days.  A picture of sexual purity, youthful innocence; exuding a felling of unbounded security.  She easily could have been a celebrity or royalty.  Maids dresses were as protocol demanded, mandatorily ugly, as were the maids themselves.   By the look in the pictures, it must have been in spring or early summer; the day was ideal.  Even God shined his approval on this communion.   It could not have been any better. What an auspicious and positive way to start a new life together.   But it is only one day.  When it ends, it's over.
      It is the beginning of a real life.  The importance of that day diminishes and recedes as life moves forward, or it should.   To this women it seemed that her entire life was wrapped up in that one experience.  That all her happiness and identity can be traced to that one event.  That the countless days after the wedding are meaningless in comparison to that moment.  Like a young girl reliving her Prince Charming fantasy over and over again.  That was a day when she was happy where all her past was forgotten, all her childhood pain was subdued and quiet.  Now in the midst of a brutal divorce, her perfect man failed and common like all others; those pictures mock that image of happiness.  How could I be so blind?  Broken to her very core.  Nothing in life is real or true.  Love, if it exists at all, is a cruel and painful joke.   How could it come to this?  I was so happy. Why can't men be faithful?  Why are they so immature?  Why isn't one women enough for them?  Why are men such liars?  I thought he was happy with me.   How is it I didn't see him for what he is?  He tricked me.   All men are the same, little dogs in heat, always spreading their seed.  What did I do wrong?  Nothing. I am blameless.  I didn't have an affair.  I didn't ruin our life together, he did.  I didn't ruin my wedding day, he did.  I didn't fail my expectation, he did.  I am so hurt.  Why did he betray me?
      The answer is simple, she betrayed herself.    Her expectation laid a fatal trap for this betrayal to occur.  The seed was set the day they decided to marry.  Her desire to live the fantasy life blinded her to his real nature. The financial security he offered was much too attractive to let some of his innocent behaviors and indescretions get in the way.   Living in this projected unreality never allowed her to see what he was really about.  Everything on the outside fit her ideal of what a perfect life should look like; why challenge that impression?  It would have caused her too much angst or change to look deeply at her own wounds, better to remain unconscious and refuse the obvious reality.   It also didn't allow her to see the truth of why she would choose a men like him in the first place. What motivated her to fall in love with a man who she knew, in her heart, was naturally unfaithful.  Constructing this perfect vision out of her inability to value her own truth, and engage life and its reality.  It was destined to fail from the very start.  For he was always that way and she excused, denied and avoided seeing it because that would mean her fantasy was just that, a figment of her need and childish imagination.    She protected him from exposure by shielding herself from the truth.   So really who's to blame?  If I choose not to be aware of something and see the truth it offers me, then who's fault is that?  Who can I blame?  There is no one but me.

Inside Out (AA)

   I don't see the world as it is, I see the world as I am.  My perception of the world is based upon a conglomeration of many things:  intelligence, ethnicity, experience, age, education, religion, gender, physical attributes, culture, upbringing, and occupation.  Those are the obvious characteristics, surface identifiers of some aspect of self; not the complete self.  I also have emotional and spiritual aspects that perceive the world uniquely as well:  sensitivity, empathy, compassion, love, affection; characteristics of my heart and soul.   Throughout my recovery I have defined myself narrowly by relating to one or two of my characteristics predominately.  I am Irish Catholic; I am a certain age; I am a contractor; I am an alcoholic, etc.   That mentality, though understandable, is narrowly descriptive but shallow in true understanding;  but it is an clear indication that my life is fragmented and I define myself  in a limited way.
      I have encountered philosophies that claim that there is no real world out there;  there is only a world in here, filtered, defined, organized, sanitized, and projected outward onto everything I see or experience.  If that's true, then there is no real world because we all project onto the world our own individual selves.  The real world becomes a collection of individual projections.   Interesting and kind of unnerving to think that that may be true.  I believe it is true.  Two people can witness the same thing and come to entirely different conclusions, emotions, explanations of what they saw.  That's is why all successful self healing focuses on the interior self not on changing the exterior situations.  Change the inside and the outside will be better, more acceptable, and healthier.  If I change myself than the whole of the world is also changed.   Makes logical sense, don't you think?   A good example of differing perceptions would be someone blinded from birth.  They have never seen and have no visual frame of reference to relate to.   Blind people perceive the world through sound, smell, taste, and touch.  It is easy to see that they certainly perceive in an personal and unique way.  Their unusual perceptual difference is obvious to comprehend;  but our perception and projection is really no less unique than theirs.  We all perceive individually and veneer that on the outside world,  and we call that reality.  That means that there is no set reality;  but simply individual projections of our interior realities outward.  Now you can see why communication between people is so vitally important.  We come at any situation armed with an individual reality that needs to be openly expressed and defined in order to be understood.  That is what intimacy is:  allowing projected self to be seen, defined, related and responded to. That's where understanding and genuine communication lies.
     You and I are in conversation; who is talking to who?  Which interior aspect was triggered in you for you to chose the projection that you put forth towards me?  Conversations may seem trivial and innocuous but they are always a case study in projection.  It becomes childishly obvious that our perceptions and projections rule our relationships.  In order to relate, I must be aware of the interior reality that I am putting forward upon the person I am communicating with.  The problem is that we relate our reality to others unconsciously having no real awareness of its origin or intention.  It flows out without our knowledge or control.   I need to be aware of and understand;  where projections come from,  what they are, and what they are telling me about myself and the world in which I am involved.   What interior reality is being perceived and released at that very moment.
     I know that I am emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual in make-up.  I, like all others, are a highly complex mystery of components.  But something within me, some place is driving my perceptions.  Where can I look to find the source of these projections.  Where do they come from?   I claim they all emanate from the wound that I carry.  The wounded complex is a place where I  have stored all the pain, abuse, trauma,  shame and neglect that I have endured throughout my life.  Primarily the abuse from childhood.  That's when  it was created and why it was created.   To protect and defend.   It is the enclosed spiritual dwelling place designed to protect my heart, innocence, beauty and soul.  I see the wound as being wrapped around my heart and soul, housing them in a cocoon.  The wound is alive and contains powerful energies that it interprets, modifies and releases into the psyche.  I respond consciously to its dictates but have no idea what they are, or where those dictates come from.  Its automatic and happens almost without thought. Impulse driven.   The wound has a world view and an age, usually when the trauma occurred.   It has one overriding intention, to keep me from getting to the pain and the shame it contains.   The wound is a guardian, sentry,  interpreter, manager, perceiver,  protector and communicator.   The wound speaks for me from its interpretation of any given situation I may be in.  It uses denial, blame, and avoidance as its chief psychological tools.   Through the protection of my shame,  the wound projects false impressions out into the world:  I am competent, strong, cool, happy, sober and successful.  It is always manufacturing an exterior image to look normal, in control and acceptable.  It tries to appear that it has no shame whatsoever.   It may seem to me that my intellect is engaging you,  but really it is my pain using my intellect to front for its intentional avoidance.  The wound feeds the intellect the information it wants it to have  in order for it to respond the way it desires.  The intellect is a perfect place for the wound to operate because our minds don't feel, nor do they want to.  My mind just likes to think, detach, analyze, and interpret at arms length.  The wound is always protecting my feelings and my shame from exposure, primarily from me, and only secondarily to the world.   Anything that keeps me  away from my heart or from my conscious awareness will be used by the wound.  The wound is not my enemy,  it is a misguided and disfigured friend.  It is not trying to hurt me, though it will derail, restrict and limit me if it senses that I am getting too close to my shame.   Be acutely aware that the wound operates through me unconsciously; I am completely unaware of its power, reach and influence.   As children we had no defense against abuse; innocent and helpless victims.  The extent, duration and intensity of the abuse we endured was chronicled by degree and held by the wound.  It acts like a sealed container holding all that pain and shame.   It encloses our hearts and souls.  Our hearts and souls were what was in jeopardy as children.  The pragmatic spiritual solution to our survival came from wrapping them within the wound itself;  to protect them from further assault and to keep them from awareness.  That's why we can be emotionally numb;  the wound protects us from feeling the pain or sensing the shame we are in.  The problem is that it also makes us numb to all feelings.   Because the wound comes primarily from my childhood,  it sees life and others like a child; worse yet, an abused child.  It is concerned with protection and safety almost exclusively.  It covers up, denies, avoids, and reacts impulsively.  It feels danger constantly and abides by instinct primarily.  The wounded animal analogy fits well.  So it perceives like a child, reacts emotionally, protects automatically, communicates dishonestly, and feels its survival is its only goal.  It defines, controls, restrains, informs, relates, decides and speaks for us based upon those childlike characteristics and impressions.   It is a master emotional controlling mechanism.    Any alcoholic who reads this will understand it intuitively.  I just described us in a nut shell.  Every AA meeting is a room filled with wounded and broken children unconsciously reacting from their brokenness.  The AA program is effective at dealing with, exposing, and healing that very brokenness.  The  primary job of the wound was to seal us against a brutal world;  and shield us from the reality of our situation and the shame that was created because of it.   It worked, we survived arbitrary and horrifying childhoods.  But the way the wound sees the world is no longer useful or functional for sobriety and  living happily with self and others.  If we were not alcoholics, then investigating the wound would probably never happen.  Why would someone openly invite visiting such a painful place unless you had to in order to stay alive?  That's the paradox of alcoholic spirituality. The gift of faith lies in our rejection.  The gift of freedom lies in our bondage; the gift of wholeness lies in our brokeness;  the gift of happiness lies in our shame.
      All the denying, avoiding, running away, reactivity, impulsive, addiction, self hate, resentment and rage can be traced back to the wounds we carry and the imperative to avoid knowing consciously what happened to us.  It is that simple.  But what an indictment of our lives and personalities!  So what do we do with this information if it really is true?  What can we do, if anything, to get better?  This is where spiritual recovery is found.  Working the steps will open up the wound and allow us to begin to see it more clearly (4,5,8,9)  Finding and trusting a workable God is of the utmost priority (2,3,6,7,11).  Our character defects are really no more than survival mechanisms we needed to create in order to stay alive.  Alcohol was one of those mechanisms but it went out of control and eventually became a powerful addiction.  Now the wound had a chemical ally to aid in its avoidance.   It allowed us to not feel or perceive the horrendous situations we were in as children; we did not have the psychic ability to see the truth during our childhoods.  It saved our sanity for us.  Second step, restore to sanity means just that.  We were sane until we stepped into our homes and met our parents.
      So there is no outside world, only one I project.  My projections are skewed because they come from the wounded part of my psyche in an attempt to keep me safe, shameless and unaware of my real pain.  Unconsciously I act and react from the denial of my interior pain onto the exterior world.  If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, then you see all things as a nail.  It  makes life predictable in that I will react the very same way to the same stimuli, over and over again.   The wound not only holds our pain and perceives our world, it also contains our true emotions and soul and becomes the mechanism of our spiritual life and the recovery we seek.  It is the kingpin to a meaningful, sober and happy life.  The alpha and omega;  the pain and the release;  bondage and freedom, hate and love, profane and sublime;  where that elusive thing called serenity exists.
       What do we do?   It's time to move from intellect into feeling;  from numb to expressive;  from denial to truth;  from self doubt to worthiness.   How do we do that?  We decide.  We decide to wake up.  We decide to be aware, no matter what. We decide to take full resposibility for our lives and our relationships. We decide to allow our hearts out in the open.   We decide to take Gods hand and move directly into the pain and terror we carry.  That is where God is found,  it is His courage that we will be borrowing as we go.  We decide to seek truth, no matter where it leads.   We decide to feel all feelings not just the "good ones".  Feelings are just that, I need to stop putting a value judgement on them; this is good, that one is bad;  they are all good and have a needed place in our complete human emotional make up.  We decide to allow others to see our shame (4th and 5th steps) and be continually honest about who we are.  We decide to live in authentic accountability.   We decide to become aware of our reactions especially in relationships that are valuable to us.   We decide to be conscious of  decisions, resentments, self pity, rage, manipulation and our obsessive need to control.  All pain and wound driven behaviors and attitudes.   We decide to be aware of those reactions and begin to learn to trace them back to their origins inside the pain we carry.  It is taking complete responsibility for our behaviors and actions.  No one can make us do anything unless we let them.  Surrender,  allow God to show you the path to take;  get the hell out of the way;  quit dictating to God your wants and ask Him for His desires;  quit playing God.  Realize that this life does not belong to you any longer.  Once you walked into AA, what you want, need, and desire doesn't matter any more.  You are in His hands;  let go and trust that He knows what He's doing.  I'm pretty sure He does.   Scottish Truth:  the courage resides at the wound; go there.   Spirituality is the realm of the heart and no amount of thought can get you to your heart.  AA's spirituality is designed to move you from your self to your God,  from your head to your heart,  from isolation to humanity,  from reaction to response;  from blame to accountability;  from bitterness to compassion;  from resentment to love.  That's full emotional and spiritual sobriety.  It is a process that begins by us simply saying yes; deciding to move forward.    Remember:  You either deal with the wound or the wound will deal you.
     The idea is to open up the wound, and all its pain and allow it to engage and respond to the world of feelings in self and others.  In that process God is not only found but trust is discovered as well.  We become His instruments of love and recovery.  This process is where true happiness, usefulness, and wholeness is found.   God is there the whole way;  just decide on this path and ask.  I promise you all the help you need will be provided. 
                                                       Yours in kinship,
                                                                                    Mike C.