I have chewed on this idea for a long time. I had some discussions today with someone who grew up in the same type of home I did, in the same neighborhood. I grew up in a very affluent area outside of Chicago. Everything you could want was available, but nothing you really needed. It is eye opening how much leeway and excuse we will make for people with money and power. How wealth insulates, coddles, shields and protects the people who have it. The most vile and despicable actions can, and do occur, in those homes and goes completely undetected and unpunished. How living in those environments shadows and effects all perception of self and blocks any real truth from illumination. How it mangles and destroys all who live in its domain. I like the image that the family pain is like an elephant in the living room, that everyone simply steps around, adjusts to, and takes no notice of. In fact, after awhile, they really don't notice it, the denial so conditioned and deadening to their senses. The elephant is comprised of various obscene violations . Alcoholism, incest, verbal abuse, perfectionism, high expectation, drug addiction, corruption, physical violence, and sexual deviancy. There is usually a lethal combination of these injuries present. Sexual abuse and incest are by far the most lasting, egregious and pernicious, and become the most closely held and jealously guarded of them all. What ever it is, it all becomes the family secret that everyone knows but never, ever mentions openly, especially if the perpetrator of those crimes is still alive, and in the home. The secret is protected at all cost, the shame, just too painful to reveal. You can never see what you see. It becomes the sacred cow that meanders over and through, trampling and shitting on everything and everyone without regard. The family dutifully cleans up the mess and forgets anything ever happened, no matter how horrendous the damage. It all must remain underground, pushed deep, suppressed and locked away. These are the dwellings where reactive violence and abuse is commonplace by all inhabitants. Always ready for any targets of opportunity; quick release, mercurial and arbitrary. Makes sense doesn't it? Everyone is sitting on a time bomb of pain, hurt and denial, where else can it go but outward? Interestingly, the violence is usually never directed at the perpetrator, but only at the innocent. Protect the cause of the pain, another strange characteristic of the secret. Here, you will also find a fetid witches brew of vulgar judgement and vicious character assassination. You see, shame always has to be ejected and the bitter criticism of others does just that. It lasts only temporarily, spends quickly and must be reloaded constantly. Like a line of cocaine, short lived, but addictive in its euphoric oblivion and release. It's a feeding frenzy of hate, nutritional only to the twisted heart. These are the homes where all poisonous gossip is conjured, nurtured, and expectorated into the local pipeline. Those who bring in any destructive tidbits to the family can earn more attention and elevation depending upon how incriminating the gossip is. It becomes a familial currency for purchasing favor. You see, this is all designed to accomplish one thing, to defocus shame and truth away from self towards others. Like clothing caught fire, it must be removed immediately. It's constant, smoke and mirrors; deflection and obfuscation; don't look behind the curtain; avoid, deny, repress; like a race track shell game. It's here, no over here, no here. You'll never be able to find the stone. If you go into such a home, they will teach you right away how to avoid and deny as they do. You will be issued your own set of rose colored glasses, specially fitted for this family. If you happen to have the temerity to openly notice the pain, then believe me, that's the last time they'll invite you over. They only accept co conspirators in their purposeful deception. That would be people who have the same elephant in their living rooms.
The secret has to be maintained from conscious awareness. It holds all the family shame and guilt associated with those injustices. It also acts to intimidate anyone from recognition. The fear being that if I see my true pain, I will not be able to survive. That's what the wound tells us, and we believe it. What happens in a secret family is that the shame gets distributed amongst all the children; all react to it in their own unique ways. No one escapes. Shame runs downhill, hitting the younger children with more ferocity, as the older children release theirs upon the powerless and weaker. Most will continue to deny their truth for the rest of their lives. What is sad about that, is they create their own families burdened with the heavy unconscious pain they carry. Instilling that hidden wound within their unsuspecting offspring; and on and on and on. Living in this unresolved situation, they will most assuredly act out their avoidance in some pathological way; it is inevitable. To many, the result is to find solace in some form of addiction, or act out in a manner similar to the perpetrator. This is the fertile ground for chemical attraction. All family members will carry the load of shame, no matter how long they have been out of the home, or how far away they are from their origins. If moving far away would release the pain of childhood, we would all be living in Australia.
The family knows its aberration and must conceal it, first, from themselves, and second, from the world of others. This becomes the overriding commandment, and it forces all members into an intricate, convoluted, and extremely dishonest way of life. But there is a problem. Not everyone wants to conceal the truth. There always seems to be one or two who choose not to live the family lie. They are unwilling to deny, or worse yet, intentionally take that truth and share it with someone, outside the home. They know it has to be exposed. This child senses that the suppression of truth is dangerous, and feels compelled to release it. Usually the more sensitive, philosophical and spiritual, it's about survival for them; they cannot adhere to lies and hypocrisy; it is counter to their natures. These children perceive and feel at a much deeper level than the rest of the family. The artists. I believe they intuitively know their souls are in jeopardy, and act instinctively to protect their sanity. Thank God. There always seems to be one in every family that refuses to be oppressed.
Once the secret is revealed publicly, the line has been breached. Now the family unit heeds the call to action. The gates are being stormed. Protection of the family secret must be maintained. Protection of our own avoidance is paramount. All precautions must be taken. The family will coordinate and organize a battle plan, imbued with vengeance and instituted with evangelical zeal. Terror propelled behavior. For we all have much to lose. Reaction is swift, unrelenting, and committed in its application. The rebel becomes the object of unbridled scorn, criticism, and disdain. Kill the messenger. The secret is out, where, they have no idea. A public relations campaign is planned and instituted against the rebellion. Complete rejection of the fact that the truth needs exposure, the family chooses instead to reject the child who brings such awareness. He or she becomes the object of ridicule by the other children to anyone they believe may be infected with knowledge of their cherished shame. The idea is to poison the minds of those who may have heard the truth by dirtying the character of the insurrectionist. The sensitive child is most times different than other children. They see and feel life uniquely; sometimes oddly. They may be more anti-social or introverted than the others. That makes it easier to convince outsiders that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. They become an outcast to the family and anywhere it has influence. One clever strategy is to impart to others the question of the child's sanity. Be careful, we think he's crazy. Oddly enough, most children who receive this kind of pressure, usually become extremely troubled, and it puts there sanity in jeopardy. They begin to question the voracity of the secret to themselves. Suicide becomes an attractive alternative to some as the isolation becomes unbearable. Those who attempt it are almost always successful in these types of situations. Makes sense, it is not a cry for help but an act of resignation and final demoralization. Everyone they love has abandoned them, or hates them. They would all be better off without me. You could surmise that the pressure was intended to do just that. Certainly if you're dead, you can't speak any longer. That solves a lot a problems in one consummate decision. We can all safely go back to sleep now. Think about the vile nature of the attacks against them and who's doing it. Could you endure that kind of treatment? It takes an unusually strong mind to withstand the onslaught. They amass a group of the like minded to keep the charade alive and prospering. It spreads like wild fire. It seems an odd human trait to want to join in the character destruction of someone else, but understandable, given the fact that most people carry deep unconscious shame themselves and need a ready target to release it upon. It's natural for them. Their inability to see and open their own shame causes them to isolate and attempt to destroy the one who won't be quiet. The only one with true integrity and courage. Imagine how lonely it feels to be that child!
Do you understand that these family members are doing this to one of their own brothers or sisters? Do you understand the narcissistic terror that must drive someone to attack their blood, in order to stay unaware and hide their own shame from themselves? Do you understand how powerful and pernicious the wounds we all carry can be to ourselves and the people we love? Do you understand that unless they are exposed, you can never find any contentment or wholeness? Do you understand the depth of sickness that such people must carry in order to act this way against their kin? How gutless, weak, flaccid, and disgusting; such cowardice, a complete turpitude. It's stunningly caustic and morally acidic. A poison of the highest order. It makes me want to vomit when I think about it.
Truth cannot be stopped; it can be avoided, denied, soft sold, repressed, reflected or obscured in any number of ways; but be aware, it cannot be stopped. Truth carries an overarching need to be exposed, expressed, and openly seen for what it is. That's what truth does. That's what truth is. That's why people hate it, and avoid it at all cost. That's the imperative it carries, it must be recognized. Truth has enormous power and emanates its intensive energy, inexorably. It festers, nips, bothers, gnaws, bites, troubles, preoccupies, charges, ignites, infiltrates, nightmares, scratches, radiates and confronts the avoider in a hundred different ways, at a hundred different times. It becomes completely untenable to ignore. That's how it works; it will never let you go, it will never let you up, it will never let you off the hook, it will never give you any relief until it is faced and its voice is heard. So go ahead, keep running. It is stronger than you can imagine. It will hunt you, and run you down, like the tireless hound that it is. For this is Gods messenger, and he will be heeded.
These people are not monsters, but are people controlled and acting from a deep terror, unconsciously listening to the instructions ordered from their shame. We all know how dangerous a cornered and panicked animal can be. That's a good image to keep in mind. To the world outside, they all appear to be normal, without serious blemish. See them gather and engage one another, it all looks fine. They tell the same stories and laugh the same laugh, but the stories are scripted to give a specific impression to the world, and never touch any real truth. They all wink at their duplicity while they spin a mythological yarn of normalcy. They appear to be loving and intimate, bonded with one another in a closeness. But the bond is held by the secret and cemented by their adherence to denial. In this situation there is no true intimacy, there can't be; for intimacy is honesty. Like a band of thieves, huddled and isolated; hold up in anxious expectation. The stories always told over numerous and sundry cocktails. For the communal pain requires the communal remedy, alcohol. Many, most are functional alcoholics. The magic elixir for all avoidance, the ultimate potion of suppression. They are the average American family; happy and successful. They live in beautiful, coiffed, and immaculate homes. They all drive luxury automobiles and take exotic and expensive vacations. Their kids, living in the same untruth, attend the best colleges; 4.0 expected. The shame is taken into the world veiled under the pretense of perfection and success. All compulsive perfectionism is always driven by shame and its need to remain hidden. How could there be anything wrong with us? Look at what I have. Many act as pillars within their respective churches, a dead give away. It all looks so good. Aren't we better than everyone else? Who wouldn't want to be us?
They all take their shame out into the world and pour it on others. Can't stand any criticism. Can dish it out, but can't take it. Typical Bullies. Ive seen this type of home my whole life. It is a place of shame and unreality hidden behind power, wealth and entitlement. Nicely insulated from accountability. For money is god and worshipped with complete acquiescence and abdication. Everything conspires to support the same perpetration and hide the same depravity. The schools, clubs, social networks, churches, police and local government all consort and approve the deification of the wealthy, and the purposeful ignorance of its wicked actions. The general acceptance of this counterfeit impression adds the veneer of legitimacy and protection to all who reside there. It is a sham, scam and a sickening hypocrisy. I've witnessed and experienced the most destructive actions by such people and they were never called to account. You know, I respect a professional criminal more, because he knows who, and what he is. He lives a strange kind of honesty, in that he presents no false image of himself to the world. There is an unusually odd integrity in such a person. These are ugly, ugly places. No matter how beautiful their homes, how much meaningless acclaim they have garnered or how much bounty they have plundered, they all live in spiritual emptiness and deprived squalor. Starved for the real wealth and beauty that life offers those who adhere to the truth, and those who have the courage to uncover their own. For those who have taken this unlikely and painful observance to the truth, I salute you, and honor your hearts. For you are a brave and heroic lot. Always keep in mind that God smiles on the courageous. Be well.
Yours in kinship,
Mike C.
No comments:
Post a Comment