The scene viewed from outside, out of mind, out of body, out of the barest humanity, out of any meager compassion. The child's psyche removes itself, unable to stay inside any longer. High up in the corner of the room, looking down upon himself and the spectacle about to begin. The boy being transformed to an alien form of carnal evil. Bent over; soft, supple, like a promise of spring; the opening, a feminine invitation. Any real comprehension of the magnitude of such a mutated reality is impossible to contain. Such sacrilege so incredible and overwhelming, it cloaks all perception immediately; deadens all feeling; numb, stolid, hypnotized. The terrified boy sees the prelude to invasion through distorted lenses; a carnival mirror. This most vile of human indignities, grotesque, disfigured; a bizarre deformity; a staggering desecration against all humanity. What motive? Why? This isn't real! This can't be happening! Feelings become frenzied, anxious, colliding, looking for any escape. Saving any fragment of wholeness becomes the ultimate priority. Cornered like an animal, consumed with panic. His consciousness senses a psychic opening and flees, it rushes to the brink of its very existence, into vacant exile. The soul struggles to save the self, grasping, like a mother being forcibly separated from her only child, but to no avail. The fate already decided, resigned to the departure, the soul moans an anguished final good-bye to its reflection. Will we ever be together again? The blade of betrayal, cleaves the soul from the self in one brutal motion; the pain crystalline in intensity and elemental in depth; that pain to be perpetual in duration. The umbilical of human wholeness and sanity is about to be severed.
The diabolical penetration begins. No kindness, gentleness or affection present. The onslaught, ruthless and barbaric in ferocity; the air thick with the putrid odor of sweat and formented alcohol. The apparition rides with such tremendous initial fury, the child screams out. Is there someone, anyone within compassion's earshot to provide any measure of sanctuary? No respite of relief forthcoming. Quickly gagged, neutered; silent screams begin; soul deadening submission, the total surrender and acquiescence of the perfect victim. Each thrust more powerful than the one before; each more angry and filled with malice. The pain incredible and continues unabated, seemingly forever. Impaled by a sexual weapon of hatred wielded by the demented and psychotic. The frenzy reaches it climatic conclusion. An absolute silence is formed and begins its precipitous decline, settling solidly intact at the primal core of the child's innocent nature. Resurrection from this place seems almost impossible. What was once whole, now shattered into multiple fragments and explosively dispersed throughout the psyche. Each individual piece now carries the potential to awaken and ignite the demons of self deprecation with committed vehemence. The boy forced to the feminine realm instantaneously assembles a mind space where doubt of sexual self reigns. Nightmare and ghoulish androgony stalks the now emptied halls of his adolescent masculinity. Self emasculating attacks will be stategically launched upon his virginal psyche with merciless intensity; torturously realigning his emerging identity. The ready soil of all addiction. Where else would you go except to the solace of escape and oblivion? The choice intuitive. True recognition of all reality completely obscured; identity obliterated; dissociation, disconnection; mind numbing. A lonliness emerges so complete and all encompassing as to feel like another skin.
Sweat falls on the curve of his youthful spine; seed of the demon expectorated, within and without; immediate reminder of the corrupt deformity, complete regression to the prehistoric; and the subterraneon savagery just concluded. A fetid and noxious smell fills the entire room. The spent fluid contains none of its life giving potential, now transfigured into an instrument of abduction. The theft of all innocence, self and vital energy from the child has just been accomplished. Blood drains from the soft tissue forcefully pushed well beyond its intended design. The shocking pain sequestered to a mute form; voice held suspended, locked frozen in mid air; where it would remain. What else could be the reaction of someone being the prime target in a wanton act of dispicable and purposeful evil. Unfathomable in comprehension. There's no name for the type of injustice the outrage of molestation brings upon a child. Constant and titanic in negative effect and degree. There's no punishment that comes close to fitting the crime. The suffering is continual and touches every aspect of life. Recovery is horrifyingly painful, spiritually arduous and maddeningly frustrating; requiring years to accomplish; and there's always a nagging sense that it won't work; I'll never be whole again. I'll never laugh again.
The boys memory solidified, held in place by the brick and mortar of personal shame and the disfigured identity with the perpetrator; all but guaranteeing his perfect silence forever. The automatic transfer of the perpetrators shame to the victim is sad beyond any understanding. How exceedingly cruel and outrageous is that situation. The irony is so stark and offensive. The innocent victim believes it is his fault. Somehow he caused or deserved it; and he will remain quiet because of that. Makes you want to cry.
Spent animal exhaustion, the beast reassembles itself; the transfer of self hate concluded. He staggers backwards, in drunken unsteadiness. The boy turns, catches the eye of the killer, they are on fire; black-red, the color of dried blood. Even in the aftermath; no tenderness, no comfort, no consolation; alone, so alone. A heavy black garment of perfect darkness drapes neatly over his soul shutting out all illumination. The child, now something much different than a boy, releases himself into the oblivion of the abyss.
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